Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Would you like fries with that, sir?

Hey, I'll tell you something funny. Well, it's not really funny but, you know, you gotta laugh. You gotta laugh or else you go psychotic and begin to hear voices telling you to kill the butcher before he kills you.

Now this funny thing is that in Iraq the Americans have taken the art of entrepreneurialism to new heights. They have privatised torture! They have contracted out the job of causing an enemy
enough distress to result in an episode of bean spilling. These privateers are called Human Exploitation Teams. I wonder is there a tender process involved here? Is there a round figure quoted? Say perhaps for $10 000 per month you get a mixed team of ex-crims and ex-SAS officers for generalised terror, bullying and democracy delivery? Or is it more specific? For example: 400 beatings @ $200 ea. + 50 threatened electrocutions@ $450 + 700 blindfoldings @ $15 as a package for $20 000. Call now and we will throw in a testicle eating pit bull terrier absolutely FREE!!!!! But wait! There's more! Order two or more of these super value offers, we will do your first 50 prisoners absolutely FREE of charge whether they are guilty or not with the option to purchase manufactured evidence in case order is ever restored and someone tries to sue. What exactly happens here? You have an Iraqi POW who doesn't respond to the normal humiliation of having a short ugly woman named Lindy pointing at his willy and laughing, so someone jumps on the blower and barks officiously 'Send us down a Human Exploitation Team. Pronto!' And half a dozen red necks appear and start stripping people? When they have finished an interrogation, is the POW asked to fill out a customer feedback form? .... Please tick the appropriate box. Were you: # not at all frightened # a little frightened # very very frightened # shitting yourself .... Did you feel like your Human Exploitation Team was going to: # kill you # maim you # kill your family # maim your family # all of the above # none of the above..... Would you recommend our service to your friends? # yes # no .... I wonder if they are required to try to Upsell? Now, sir, you've had a very successful anal rape with a blunt object, can we also interest you in a 24 hour stint of hooded sleep deprivation ? For a small extra infringement on your part, we could even set you up with a loyalty card. That is; with every 5 interrogations, you get one Free! We can't do more than that for you, now can we?

And you know, I thought John Howard was crazy for privatising Telstra!


At 13 October 2004 at 8:13 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can just imagine the late night infomercial promoting this new enterprise...

HOST: So Donald, were you pleased with the results of our Human Exploitation Team?
DONALD R: HET worked wonders. It cleansed Abu Ghraib of any dissident behaviour. And look - no unsightly stains left on my career.



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